Sunday, July 20, 2008

Progress

A photographer from the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization took photos of Griffin and we just received a CD of the images the other day. I am so grateful for those photos, and for the photographer who donated her time and talent so that we could have them.

The photo of Marlo above was taken by Mark's sister Amy at his funeral. It's so dreamlike, so like that day. My head swims in the memory sometimes, knowing it's real but hardly able to believe it to be true.

I have come close to posting other pictures, but they're just too personal. Too much to see if one is not prepared, I would think, although I can't get enough of them.



My aunt Sharon came by when she was in town a couple weeks ago. We had a really good conversation. Aunt Sharon is honest, but not brutally so. I mean she never filters her feelings, but it's of no consequence because what she says is the truth and comes with great wisdom. I really appreciate that about her.

Her mother passed away a year ago. She was telling me how hard it was. How she knew that her mother was better off because she was no longer suffering, that it was her time, but that it's so hard to let go. I've heard that said so many times, but just hearing it from Aunt Sharon, it just really struck me.

Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to let go, even though you know they're at peace, even though you'll be together again for eternity?

Because we love each other so much.

That may be the greatest realization of my life.

The pain of losing Griffin, the great gaping hole in me...it is there because I love him so much. It sounds so simple, but sometimes grief just focuses on the hurt and the loss, not the reason for its magnitude. And lately when that sadness hits me hard, I actually can stop and concentrate on why it hurts: because I love him so much. Then I take that love like gauze and I pack into the wound. It's still there, but at that moment, it stings a little less.

9 Comments:

Blogger Amy said...

so beautiful and so true.

i love him so much too.

7/21/2008 8:25 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

What's ironic, is that I knew about that organization before our baby passed and in the moment, didn't even think about having someone come. All we had was pictures that a nurse had taken on a disposable camera which were horrible.

You will cherish those pictures forever and ever! Thanks for sharing your thoughts......it will get easier someday.

7/21/2008 10:38 AM  
Anonymous GP John said...

Thanks for sharing your kind loving thoughts. It is like there is a missing part, a wondering what if Griffin was here . . .

7/21/2008 5:31 PM  
Anonymous kelly said...

you're words are so beautiful. I asked my mom once how she gets by with the loss of her mother and if it goes away. she said no, but the sadness and pain become managable. I love you very much and the loss of Griffin has touched my heart so deeply.

7/21/2008 7:18 PM  
Anonymous Mom said...

You are so good at expressing how you feel, so much better than me. I am glad that you are able to talk about Griffin and how you feel. Just because you say and do all of the right things, doesn't make the pain go away . . . love you so much, Mom

7/21/2008 7:34 PM  
Blogger Kell & Nick said...

Erin...Such beautiful words!
Griffin will always be with you and your family and it is great to hear you talk about him and keep his memory alive! thank you for sharing him with us!
You are an amazing person~

7/23/2008 8:26 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

I think about Griffin so often.
It is because I love him, you are so right.
Holding him in my arms is a memory I cling to.

7/24/2008 5:41 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

These words are so powerful, and so utterly beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart, the feelings you are experiencing. I feel so grateful that someone came and took pictures of your sweet Griffin for you. We didn't get to see our baby, but on an ultrasound moments before I went in for surgery. I have no tangible photo, or ultrasound picture, but the picture in my heart of that sweet profile and my baby's tiny hands and feet comfort me...let me know that this little person was real. How lucky you are to have such a tangible memory to cherish for always.

Thank you again for your strength. Love is truly an amazing thing. Yay for eternity.

7/26/2008 9:54 PM  
Blogger katie cox said...

you put your feelings into words so beautifuly. I'm so sorry for your loss but I know we will get to be with the ones we love again.

7/31/2008 9:35 PM  

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