Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Griffin's marker


It was placed while Marlo and I were on vacation, so I saw it for the first time just the other day. It looks exactly like I thought it would. It's hard to say how I feel about it. I hated the thought of it not being there, but now that it is, it makes it so permanent. If that makes any sense.

I left Marlo with Lane and went by myself to visit him, and I was so anxious about the marker being perfect that I couldn't remember how to get to the cemetery. Where my son is buried. Where I've been numerous times. And then when I got there I spent forever trying to get every speck of dirt and blade of grass off of it, wondering what I should polish it with next time. I had a laugh at myself for that, because that's me being me...and being a mom wanting to fuss over her baby.

Then when I left I was so lost in thought that I got lost again!

Basic stuff like that slips away from me lately. It's frustrating when my subconscious doesn't work with me, because right now I need all the help I can get. My whole life, if I was ever sad about something it was because I chose to be, because I focused on it and put it forefront. And with Griffin I'm really trying to cope, to learn to accept it and not be angry, to deal with all my feelings up front because I know that's what's best.

But there's an undercurrent in me that I have no control over and I hate that. It's like I'm swimming up from the bottom of the ocean. I can see the light of the sun through the water, but just before I reach it I find myself tethered beneath the surface. I'm not quite there yet.

Anyway, Marlo had just learned "Twinkle, twinkle little star" when we lost Griffin. I always imagine that she's singing it to him. And later, when she understands, she'll know the part she played in it.

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9 Comments:

Blogger Auntie Ann said...

It is beautiful Erin, and your words made me bawl! I cant even imagine...

8/14/2008 12:05 PM  
Blogger amynjosh said...

It is a beautiful marker with the perfect phrase. And I think the underlying almost constant sadness comes from the fact that Griffin chose you and mark, and all of us really, as a family. Maybe the sadness is so strong and slightly uncontrollable because of the powerful bond to Griffin. I don't think your subconscious is 'working against' you; it may be part of Griffin's bond to you. The bond is what is permanent; the sadness will change. I love you dearly and you are always on my heart.

8/14/2008 4:17 PM  
Anonymous Kelly said...

The marker is amazing and the words are perfect. You are such an amazing mother. Griffin and Marlo are both so blessed to have you near them always watching over them. I love you very much.

8/14/2008 8:07 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

You've been through so much. I admire how you've coped and how you honor Griffin's memory. I love him and I love you.

8/14/2008 11:22 PM  
Blogger Shelly said...

The marker is perfect and I love the name you gave him. You have a way of expressing yourself that lets others know a small part of what you're going through and I don't know that I could handle it so well. I also admire how you've coped; it's been inspiring.

8/15/2008 9:09 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

it's just perfect.

8/15/2008 10:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

beautiful...

I stumbled across your blog...I don't know if you have stumbled across this one or not...http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html

this family has also lost their precious little one so young...I pray it finds you some comfort during such an uncomforting time.

8/18/2008 12:45 PM  
Anonymous Mom said...

Dearest Erin - all of what you said makes perfect sense . . . I love the words you put on his little marker. Someone walking by may think "how sweet" not knowing the whole story . . . but Marlo's little song played a special part in helping you decide the perfect words. Love you all to pieces, Mom

8/18/2008 9:35 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Beautiful words and thoughts...many of which are echoed in my own heart and mind. Thank you for sharing, for it brings me peace and hope as well. The marker is beautiful...what a special place to go to remember him.

8/19/2008 3:33 PM  

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