One year ago...

we checked into the hospital knowing we wouldn't be bringing you home

the nurse delivered you with tears in her eyes

we dressed you in the tiniest clothes that were still too big

we marvelled at your little toes although we'd never see them move.


We love and miss you.

Griffin's marker

It was placed while Marlo and I were on vacation, so I saw it for the first time just the other day. It looks exactly like I thought it would. It's hard to say how I feel about it. I hated the thought of it not being there, but now that it is, it makes it so permanent. If that makes any sense.

I left Marlo with Lane and went by myself to visit him, and I was so anxious about the marker being perfect that I couldn't remember how to get to the cemetery. Where my son is buried. Where I've been numerous times. And then when I got there I spent forever trying to get every speck of dirt and blade of grass off of it, wondering what I should polish it with next time. I had a laugh at myself for that, because that's me being me...and being a mom wanting to fuss over her baby.

Then when I left I was so lost in thought that I got lost again!

Basic stuff like that slips away from me lately. It's frustrating when my subconscious doesn't work with me, because right now I need all the help I can get. My whole life, if I was ever sad about something it was because I chose to be, because I focused on it and put it forefront. And with Griffin I'm really trying to cope, to learn to accept it and not be angry, to deal with all my feelings up front because I know that's what's best.

But there's an undercurrent in me that I have no control over and I hate that. It's like I'm swimming up from the bottom of the ocean. I can see the light of the sun through the water, but just before I reach it I find myself tethered beneath the surface. I'm not quite there yet.

Anyway, Marlo had just learned "Twinkle, twinkle little star" when we lost Griffin. I always imagine that she's singing it to him. And later, when she understands, she'll know the part she played in it.

Wishes...

Sometimes I let Marlo take a bag of pennies down to the fountain and have fun tossing them in.

I have wishes of my own. We planned this pregnancy. I was going to waddle around the fair this summer. I was going to deliver in October. I was determined to have all my Christmas decorations up by December in spite of having a toddler and a newborn.

But thinking doesn't make it so. And plans are just plans. They're not guarantees.

I know I can't change things. I know that there was nothing I could have done to make Griffin well. But that's not enough to stop me from wishing I could have.