Things I heard 100 times:

"I'm princess Mar-wo"
"I'm Cinder-wewa"
"Mommy, can you open this?" (with candy in hand)

My dad

This is one of my favorite pictures of him.

He died in the early morning on Thursday, October 23rd, just 13 days after his diagnosis. I had just gotten home to San Diego the night before, so I wasn't there with him when he passed.

But I got to spend twelve days with him, to tell him I love him and that everything was ok between us. I even made him laugh a few times (and he did me). I got to help take care of him, give him meds and fluids, dress him and hygeine stuff...all the while just in shock, just thinking we are all too young for this. But I think he felt the tenderness there, a last way to share love even when he could not speak.

But we knew it would happen, Dad especially. He had many close calls and warnings that he just didn't heed. I can't have regrets or remorse because it was his life, and my only hope is that he lived it the way he wanted to.

I'm glad everyone got to see him, even my mom and his ex wife from Montana. My brother took him out to play poker one last time. Amy had someone come to the house and give him a pedicure. I'd like to think he enjoyed all of that attention.

We tried our best to keep him out of pain, and I'm grateful that his suffering was short. He was such a character and I will miss him. I hope that he has finally found peace, the peace he could never get to here.

I love you, Dad.

Wouldn't it be better

if when we died, we just turned into rainbows? Or glittery fireworks in the sky?

I knew this day would come

Yesterday my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given three to four weeks to live. I leave for Napa tomorrow.

He is an alcoholic, and because of that our relationship hasn't been great the past few years. I know right now he is having some regrets. But I'm determined not to let him spend his last days like that. Regardless of all that's happened, I know that he loves us kids so much and I need him to understand that.

Please say a prayer for us, that he has no pain and that we have strength.

Griffin's due date

Today was really doomsday for me. I'd thought about it so much in the first four months of my pregnancy, of going through delivery, of changing diapers and being up all night, nursing a baby, two carseats in the the rearview mirror of my car...
I really, really wanted Griffin. And I still do.

When we lost him four months ago, I was in a really bad place. Saying goodbye to him was undoubtedly the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I was really in a state of shock. I think I had to be just to get through it all, if that makes any sense.
But when I look back on the day he was born, as hard as it was, I have good memories because we held him and took pictures with him, and our parents and Lane were there with us. When I think of his funeral, it gives me strength remembering all our family being there.
So rather than today being a day of complete sadness, I thought we'd have a little party to look back on. Start a happy tradition, so that I wouldn't dread this day every year.
So Mark and Marlo and I went to Griffin's grave, with balloons and whistles and bubbles and party hats. We sang "happy birthday" and let a balloon up into the sky for him.

And I'm really, really glad we did. I think it was a smashing success.

Avila pumpkin patch

We stopped at the coolest pumpkin patch on the way home from Cambria. They had things I'd never seen! I wish I'd taken more photos...but I was too busy chasing Marlo around. You can see some of the stuff I got in my blog banner though.

Cambria beach photos

I know, I live 10 miles from the beach. But it's nothing like this.

Cambria photos

So Kendra told me her parents had a beach house. I didn't know it was a luxury vacation rental! So, so nice.

my girl looks 15

I'm OUT...

Tomorrow Marlo and I are taking a 5 hour car ride up the coast to Cambria where we'll meet my friend Kendra and her daughter Ava for a girls' weekend. I doubt anyone's gonna rub my feet but it will be relaxing nonetheless.
Her family has a house there and we've talked about going forever, but getting our husbands to commit to it is impossible...just too busy, plus now it's football season.

I'll leave my throngs of blog fans (all 5 of you) with a little vintage Marlo...

Oceanside pier

We went over the weekend and it was cold! Like 67! What the...????